When I think about her now, I feel regret. Regret for not spending more time with her, even if she was so good at pushing people away. Regret for not forcing her to spend time with us. Calling her. Texting her. Facebook. Smoke signals. Telegrams.
My father-in-law said, "the shoulda-coulda-wouldas are a bitch."
My mind keeps tormenting itself. At work. At home. In the car. Why didn't you try harder? I know there's nothing I can do now. I know it may not have helped. Even if, everything else constant, we spent more time together, I'd probably hurt just the same. But at least I'd have had a few more memories. A few more words, a few more moments. I can't clear my mind. I only want to remember the good times, but the regrets keep creeping back in.
It's too late now. She's gone.
I met Krystal in the same place I meet 95% of the people I meet. At work. But she didn't work with me. She never worked for the company. She was a customer looking for paint to help one of her friends paint a room. Me being a single guy thought she was cute...obviously. She wasn't having it but I could tell just from the ten minutes it took to mix a gallon of paint that she was a nice person. She cared about people. She laughed at my stupid jokes and smiled from ear to ear. That was just her way. No matter what was going on in her life (and believe me, at times, she went through hell) she was uplifting. She mentioned her cousin was a co-worker of mine. Little would I know that I'd marry that cousin of hers a few years later.
We agreed to let Krystal move in sometime in 2005. A townhouse apartment in SE Portland is where we called home. We had our differences from time to time. We squabbled over things that roommates squabble over. We had parties, gatherings, soirees. Furniture was thrashed, carpets stained, guys in penis costumes appeared one Halloween. Shuttling the underage into upstairs closets when the police arrived. We'd break into impromptu dance-offs. We put aluminum foil in our mouths when Grillz was all the rage. It was one of the best times of my life.
Later we'd have arguments about something I can't even recall. We didn't talk for a quite some time. This is another time I fucking hate thinking about. What good came out of being mad at her? No good. No fucking good at all.
We finally buried the hatchet after about a year I'd guess. More good times were had.
We could barely talk to each other like normal people most of the time. We quoted any movie we could but we'd also go beyond quoting and talked in character voices from our favorite comedy movies and shows. Here's a typical exchange between Krys and I:
Me: (in Will Ferrell's Robert Goulet voice) Hey...what's the haps? Da da dee da da daaaahhh!
Krys: (in Kip from Napoleon Dynamite's voice) It's actually going pretty good? How bout yourself?
Me: (Goulet) Can't complain. What are you havin for dinner? You're hungry aren't ya?
Krys: (Kip) Yeah, but I went to the store and they ran out of veggie burgers. I'm just kinda T-O'd right now.
Me: (Goulet) I can't believe the store has the guff to deny you a vegetable burger. Don't let those hooligans rule the biz. (holding stare until she breaks character and laughs)
Krys: (laughs) (in regular voice) I love you Mike-a-like!
Me: (continues Robert Goulet) Yeahhhhhhhhhh! She-bop she-bang Thong Song!
Krys: (in her best Goulet voice) You get the idea.
The last great time I can remember spending with her was at her friend Jake's house for New Year's 2010. It was the first time Nikki and I could escape the house being newly-minted parents. We dropped the kid off and headed out for a night of drunken conversation, drunken dancing, drunken drawing on passed-out faces.
I was at work one day a few weeks back. Thinking about stuff. Random thoughts were flickering. I thought to myself, "we've been lucky to not have people around us die for quite some time." Apparently someone was listening.
There's no doubt that I will miss her. But she has given me something. She made me realize that there are no guarantees in life. Who knows if I'll be here tomorrow? I need to be with the people who are important to me no matter what. Even if we sit in uncomfortable silence. Just spending time together will be enough for me.
In the end, we weren't cousins. We weren't brother and sister. But we were family. Even though we drifted apart in recent years we were still close. I can't believe that I have to go on living without hearing her Kip impression. Or hearing random country music play when she's around. Without seeing that smile or hearing that laugh again.
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| Krystal and I, 9/6/2008 |
Goodbye Pook. I'll miss you like technology.
