8 years, 4 months, 11 days.
That's the last time I posted and probably the last time I thought about this forum for thought vomit.
Time for another comeback. Can't promise this will last long. Maybe it will. Isn't journaling supposed to be therapeutic?
This post was supposed to be an update on my life, but took a drastic turn. Writing this line as the post develops. I've never been great at expressing my feelings, but after reaching 40 years old, I have to lay it out there sometimes.
There are a lot of days I actually think about my father, who passed in 2020. This is a man I have absolutely zero respect for. I live in a time and place now where it's easy to excuse someone's mental health obstacles and coddle them. I understand chemical imbalances. What I don't understand is the lack of fortitude (testicular or otherwise) that allows a man with children to give up on life and not be there for the children he helped create. To understand the obstacles you face and make a game plan for them. I'm embarrassed to tell people about the man my father was because he never really showed up. He was different for my siblings and I can respect their views of him because, by all accounts, he was different.
But for me? He was weak. He lacked accountability. He never showed me what it was to be a man. To stand up for what you believe in. To take control of situations. To take care of a family. To care for a woman. I'm learning all these things on the fly. I've made mistakes while navigating this path. But I am learning. I learn more everyday.
I've had other men in my life serve as role models. My brother in law was one of the most important men in my life. He inspired me to work hard. He taught me to keep my word. He taught me a lot and it was effortless for him. He didn't try. He wasn't filling in as my dad. He just was. He just did. It was natural for him to be caring, but firm.
He was taken from us too soon. 49 years old. He doesn't get to see all the hard work he put in develop in his own children. It's a tragedy.
His passing reminds me that we never know how long we have left with the ones that we love. Soon, we will all just be memories and soon after that, we won't be anything to anyone. So what do you want to be known for? What do you want to be remembered for?
I would say that eight years ago, I didn't have any real goals in life. I was just existing. I was not happy. I didn't like what I saw in the mirror. I made decisions that altered the trajectory of my life forever. There were other people and events along the way that shaped the decisions I made and the goals I have laid out for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I think about what my immediate family thinks of me. I think they see me as a failure. As the only kid who got fired from a job, the only one who is divorced. That shit is hard to accept. I don't think comparing my life to theirs does any good. I'm sure they have things they deal with privately that I have no idea about. Maybe it makes them feel like failures. Who's to say? But I have lived with that feeling for some time now and feel motivated by it.
I'm making advancements personally, emotionally, financially and professionally. I've been threatening to go back to school to finish my degree for what seems like years now, but finally have a path forward and will start in the Spring. I have an interview on Wednesday for a position in my company that I hope leads to bigger and better things. I've started to take my health seriously (maybe turning 40 had a lot to do with it) and starting running and working out. I started drawing.....like art. It's something I used to do in middle school and actually enjoy. I don't think any of it is really that great, but it makes me happy.
Right now, I'm focused on my children. My oldest is turning 15 tomorrow. I have two children with educational needs that require a lot of attention. I have two pre-schoolers who take up the rest of my time. I have my own goals that require time and energy to complete. I have confidence that this next decade of my life will be the best.
