The One

There have been a lot of changes in my life over the past four years. Of course almost all people experience change over time, but more has changed in my life than just my age. It seems like forever since I was a 20 year old college student with a part-time job. I was living on my own in a studio apartment, eating Top Ramen and cereal everyday. It was a time where I had few responsibilities outside of paying rent and going to school.

Few things have remained constant in my life. School is still beckoning, work still haunts me, and she still loves me.


I met Nikki at Fred Meyer in 2003. I wouldn't say it was love at first sight, because she was unavailable and I was still reeling from a one year sentence living with a girl who wanted no part of me. Occasionally, we would work together on little projects and I'd often see her getting ready to leave after working early or coming in on the third shift as I began to walk home. We'd talk every once in a while about how much we hated work. I'd say we were acquaintances at best.

We started working together more and more after she started in Housewares. She broke off her relationship after 5 standstill years. I eased up on being a dick at work and started to relax a little. I can still remember her working on a reset while I made her job more difficult by being a sarcastic ass. I had a feeling she was into me when she smacked my ass with a piece of Plexi. She took a vacation shortly after that, but was in the store almost daily with her sister. I figured she was looking for me because she would find me everyday and she'd say something like, "Get to work, slacker." She was always joking but I noticed that she couldn't stop smiling.

One day, she invited me over to her apartment becuase she was throwing a little get together. I agreed to come over on a Friday night after work and braved the MAX at 11:30PM to meet her. She greeted me and we walked arm in arm as I helped her stumble back to her place. Once there, I met Cari and Kate, who were preoccupied with the computer. I don't remember much after that until we kissed later that night. I ended up sleeping on the couch and releasing the weirdest moan in my sleep right before I woke up (something she and Kate will never let me live down).

Almost four years later and I'm going to marry the love of my life. I'd do anything for her and she knows it. I live to make her smile. I love the way we can be silly together and make other people nauseous at the same time. We keep each other sane and drive each other crazy. We miss each other constantly. I absolutely love her and I'm looking forward to spending all of eternity by her side.

I love you baby.

Green Is Good

I'm all for being green and practicing a sustainable lifestyle, but some people just take it too far!

I was at work today, in the checkstand waiting on impatient people who no longer want to look at every cooler and touch every other product. I was ringing up a woman's order while she was trying to calm down a screaming infant attached to her torso with one of those Johnny Jump-Up super nylon reverse backpack things. I noticed that she was purchasing organic foods and "green" cleaning products. She paid for a part of her order with a gift card that had now been deemed useless since there were no funds left on it. I offer to take the card off of her hands and toss it in the wastebasket behind me. I had no idea that I was waiting on the chief ambassador of recyling, reducing and reusing as I tossed the 3" x 4" card to its horrible death.

Right away, this lady shot me a look and said, "Aren't you going to recycle that? You mean you guys don't reuse them?" She pretty much made me feel like an ass for no reason other than to flex her green nuts in my face. I came up here to cut the huge line you were just standing in, in half, so you could have a pleasant shopping experience and get home faster. So you thank me by swinging your ugly baby in my face and make me feel like a dick because I didn't reuse your tiny gift card that can never have money added back to it successfully? Thanks, you effin' chunt!

So don't let me stop you from recycling your life away, just don't turn your nose up at me for doing my job.

This Is How We Do It

So usually on Friday nights, Nikki and I will venture out the suburbs to mingle with our friends (namely the Kates, Cari, Josh) and to see Krystal, Gresham's finest bartender. The girls usually talk about each other's issues and drama that ensued in the week while I pound PBR's, watch reruns of SportsCenter and make fun of the karaoke talent (or lack thereof).

This last Friday was a doozy. Nikki had been begging me to sing some karaoke and I was having no part of it. I've performed in the past (the greatest stage performance ever) and didn't feel like making an ass of myself.

She hadn't eaten since late that morning and was only going to have a couple of drinks. That would have been fine...if her bartender was anyone else but Krystal. See if you order a Rum & Coke from Krystal, you'll get 8 parts Rum and a half part of Coke. Nikki stuck to her guns and only had three drinks. Soon the anxiety fairy left the bar and Nikki was singing (her go-to song) Push by Matchbox 20. Meanwhile, I stopped playing pool to cut-a-rug with some Amish-looking dude who was dancing like Jim Spagg in a gay pride parade. I broke Nikki's concentration several times as the Amish guy tried breakdancing.

After unsuccessfully ordering food, she decided that water would be the best for her sudden nausea. She got about two sips into the H2O before excusing herself to the bathroom for a vomit conference with the sink, toilet, garbage can, and any poor soul who was in the stall trying to dump in peace. Now I've been witness to many of her puking sessions in the last 3 or 4 years and they are really loud and they tend to be quite messy. So as I sent her sister in the bathroom for consolation purposes, I watched as girl after girl entered and exited the bathroom, staring in amazement at my puking pale princess going down on the garbage can.

She finally came out of the bathroom, a wobbly fuckin' stumbler, with her arm draped around Cari. I had never seen her so drunk as she was leaving the bar. I helped Cari assist her outside and to the edge of the parking lot when Nikki decided that more alcohol needed to escape and touch the pavement. I would say this was a bad night to wear flip-flops. My feet caught the vomit rebound as it ricocheted off the asphalt. To further avoid the bile runoff, I moved my feet as far away from ground zero as possible, a move I'd mastered in a previous episode.

I ended up pulling the car around and grabbing some plastic bags from the back seat to act as a barrier between Nikki's insides and the upholstery of the car. I finally got her home after a few dry heaves and put her on the couch with a garbage can to catch any future deposits. It was about 1:30AM when I finally fell asleep, only to have to report to work in 4 and a half hours.

The moral of the story? There isn't one really...well maybe one. Don't ever puke on my feet. Ever.

Vote and/or Die

No, this won't be a Public Service Announcement telling you that one person really DOES make a difference. I'm no Puff Diddy or anybody actually famous. Was "Vote or Die a good idea? It's important to vote and let the government know what you think, but it's not a life or death situation. I could think of something else you could lead the phrase "..or die" with. Things like, Kill, Move, Eat, Skate, etc.

So I've decided to add a poll every once and a while to the right side of ASP. Oh and by the way, I'm calling the blog ASP. It's an acronym. Go figure. So vote for your favorite entry and feel free to suggest one I left off. Don't just vote for "Other" and not tell me which one you thought was better. That's a douchebag move.

The poll will change when I get bored with it so keep on the look out for new topics to waste your time with.

ASP out.

Reloaded

Yes, I am excited to announce that the blog is back and better than before (if that's possible). It seems like once a year, I get all amped to start the blog again, then I peddle my thoughts for about 2 or 3 months, and finally get distracted by shiny butterflies or sparkling rabbits and I stop production. No more I say.

A lot has changed since September 2nd, 2007. I bought a house with the only woman who'll have me, and we are getting hitched on September 6th of this year. And I grew facial hair!!! (I have to make up for the stuff missing on top of my head). I guess that's not a whole lot of changes, but they are pretty big, important changes for me.

Now you might say, "Hey Dex, do you still work at Fred Meyer? I notice you didn't list a occupation change in your tiny, little list of changes." Thanks Dick! No I'm still employed by that division of Kroger, but I'm no longer in charge of the people. I stepped off of my throne and decided to deal with a smaller part of the store. I just couldn't take the praise and thanks I got everyday. To tell you the truth, the hours were shitty and I had to get out before committing manslaughter and/or possession of a controlled substance.

So although my blogging comrades have fallen (Amy, Carly) and non-blogging friends have come and gone, I am back and ready to tackle the weird and hairy, the small and furious, the Greek and homeless. Nobody will be safe from my intense scrutiny, satire and otherwise hilarious commentary.