I want to ask you a question if I may. Why do all of the crazies in this town gravitate toward me? Is there something about me that acts as a magnet for nuttiness? Now, sure my family is wacko, but why do I constantly encounter crazy people? I'm like a freak beacon lately.
For instance, this morning I had to stop and get gas at ARCO. Now normally, I wouldn't stop at this station because of the inferior gas they offer. However, my gas tank was emptier than my stomach...and it was 5:30AM. Not many gas outlets are available at this time of the morning. And why the hell aren't allgas stations 24 hours?
Anybody who knows me knows that I am not a morning person. Far from it. Random strangers think I smoke pot, co-workers think I'm an asshole. It's the time when my lazy eye is at its laziest. I try to avoid people during this time of day. It's one of the few times I can be by myself and gather my thoughts. I don't want to talk to you AT ALL.
So as I stroll into the AM/PM to pay for my gas, I stop at the drink case and grab an energy drink that I desperately need. The new Monster Rehab. It's an Arnold Palmer in Monster form. I've been on a lemonade/iced tea kick this year for some reason. Nevertheless, I approached the counter and stood behind a woman who seemed to be having an argument with the Arab gentleman working the register.
I'm a pretty observant person when I'm out and about. Even in my altered state of awakeness, I could tell this fuckin' twat was giving this guy shit. He was trying to help her, there's no doubt. Why would the guy NOT want to get her in and out of that place? Yeah, he's purposely trying to piss off the crazy chick. That's how he wants his day to go.
At this point, I've already reached my maximum annoyance level. I'm about twelve seconds away from screaming at this lady. After (I think his name was Saveen) ran her EBT card twice, and both times it came back declined (for one reason or another; she stole it, spent it...use your imagination). Then she starts laying into poor Saveen (sounds like a made up name and he should be working at Saveen-Elaveen) because she has no money. She's raising all kinds of hell in the place. She claims that he's discriminating against her (because she's white?) and that she wants his supervisor's name and he can't do his job right.
He finally agrees to run it a third time and as he does it, this bitch turns to me in the middle of one of her rants and says, "This guy (referring to me) knows what you're (Saveen) doing to me. He'll (me) tell y-"
...And that's when I just had to interject. I didn't choose my words wisely. My filter was removed. I lacked decorum. I just said what I thought. "I don't fucking care lady. I really don't. Hurry the fuck up." She appeared puzzled. I was slightly concerned. My neighborhood isn't the greatest. It's not uncommon for people to be shot around these parts. After accepting the fact that I wasn't going to side with her, she turned back to Saveen, who also seemed surprised at my response, and continued with, "I EARNED this money and you won't help me."
...
My mind was sufficiently and effectively blown. I almost spoke up again. My filter returned. My words were muted. Shit.
If I had said something, it'd probably have sounded something like, "Are you fucking insane? YOU earn the money for that card? Really? Do you know why I'm half-awake right now? Because I have to go to the job that pays for that card. So, in effect you lazy twat, I earned the money for that. Money that you've obviously blown on L&M lights and wine coolers. Now take you're broke ass out to your fucking car and get out of my way, so I can continue to fund your drug habit."
Saveen finally ended it all by writing down his supervisor's name and phone number. She got into her pieced together Geo Metro and left. Her car was an interesting side note to the whole experience. The body was obviously pieced together with parts from fellow Geos that are in car heaven.
She probably wasn't going to call the supervisor. She just wanted to raise a stink so that maybe he would cave and let her have free gas. I will never understand the mind of a crazy person. My brain can't decode their irrationalities. Maybe I'll just start using the tactic described above. It just might keep my brain from overheating.
Showing posts with label Dickheads. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dickheads. Show all posts
6.29.2011
4.14.2009
Celebrity Obsession
Now I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not without an obsession and that whenever anything related to the Portland Trail Blazers becomes newsworthy, I know about it within an hour after press time. Sports has always been a huge part of my life. I understand sports. There's a winner, a loser, and things are usually resolved within two hours. I cannot say the same for Hollywood.
Why are people like my wife so obsessed with where Lindsay Lohan ate lunch? Why does she care if Gisele made Tom carry her purse outside of a restaurant? Seal beat up a paparazzi? I don't give a shit. Tom and Katie took Suri to the park? I took my dog to the park! Why are we so infatuated with celebrities lives? I understand if they got a DUI or killed someone or donated sperm, that's probably newsworthy stuff. But I don't give a damn if they are doing everyday errands.
The shows like TMZ drive me crazy. It's a room filled with a bunch of "reporters" telling that guy from The People's Court what they saw in Hollywood.
Dumb-Ass Reporter: "We got Shelley Long outside of the Ritz Carlton and she's walking to her car!"
Harvey Levin: "Really!?"
D.A.R.: "Yeah, she's wearing a yellow cardigan and it's absolutely fabulous!"
H.L.: "Was it cold outside or something?"
D.A.R.: "It was a little balmy for November I'm not going to lie. It made me wonder why she would wear a cardigan in such fantastic weather."
H.L.: "Yeah, I wonder if she watches the weather forecast."
(At this point, the whole room of reporters bursts into laughter because that was obviously funny)
Now I made that up, but it's not far from the truth. They once did a "story" on Nancy Reagan. She walked from a restaurant to her car and they all commented on how good she looked for being like 204 years old. WHO GIVES A SHIT?!? They do about 20 of these things in a half an hour.
I also dig the magazines like People that have a two page spread dedicated to celebrities who do stuff like regular people do. They buy Charmin! They pump their own gas! They stand in line! Big fuckin' deal! Why do I care that Hugh Jackman likes Quilted Northern?
Finally, the Internet is one of the worst mediums for reporting celebrity nonsense. My wife checks Perez Hilton probably more than I check ESPN for scores.
It's a little more newsworthy than TMZ but almost as annoying. He'll post stories that are mostly news releases and stories nobody cares about. But the most annoying thing about this fairy is that he uses Microsoft Paint to draw everything from dicks to cumshots on every celebrity's face. Sometimes he'll switch it up and draw little dots under their noses to indicate they have a crack problem. Is this where journalism has fallen to? Not only do I not care about the stories you tell, now I've got someone with the artistic ability of a four year old ruining a perfectly good picture of Megan Fox by drawing a dick on it? This guy needs to be hit in the face. Here's an example of his handywork on Vanessa Hudgens. See not only does she have no pigment in her eyes, she has man chowder on her face and she's squirting all over the ground!! Look how clever!
If only torture were legal...
Why are people like my wife so obsessed with where Lindsay Lohan ate lunch? Why does she care if Gisele made Tom carry her purse outside of a restaurant? Seal beat up a paparazzi? I don't give a shit. Tom and Katie took Suri to the park? I took my dog to the park! Why are we so infatuated with celebrities lives? I understand if they got a DUI or killed someone or donated sperm, that's probably newsworthy stuff. But I don't give a damn if they are doing everyday errands.
The shows like TMZ drive me crazy. It's a room filled with a bunch of "reporters" telling that guy from The People's Court what they saw in Hollywood.
Dumb-Ass Reporter: "We got Shelley Long outside of the Ritz Carlton and she's walking to her car!"
Harvey Levin: "Really!?"
D.A.R.: "Yeah, she's wearing a yellow cardigan and it's absolutely fabulous!"
H.L.: "Was it cold outside or something?"
D.A.R.: "It was a little balmy for November I'm not going to lie. It made me wonder why she would wear a cardigan in such fantastic weather."
H.L.: "Yeah, I wonder if she watches the weather forecast."
(At this point, the whole room of reporters bursts into laughter because that was obviously funny)
Now I made that up, but it's not far from the truth. They once did a "story" on Nancy Reagan. She walked from a restaurant to her car and they all commented on how good she looked for being like 204 years old. WHO GIVES A SHIT?!? They do about 20 of these things in a half an hour.
I also dig the magazines like People that have a two page spread dedicated to celebrities who do stuff like regular people do. They buy Charmin! They pump their own gas! They stand in line! Big fuckin' deal! Why do I care that Hugh Jackman likes Quilted Northern?
Finally, the Internet is one of the worst mediums for reporting celebrity nonsense. My wife checks Perez Hilton probably more than I check ESPN for scores.
It's a little more newsworthy than TMZ but almost as annoying. He'll post stories that are mostly news releases and stories nobody cares about. But the most annoying thing about this fairy is that he uses Microsoft Paint to draw everything from dicks to cumshots on every celebrity's face. Sometimes he'll switch it up and draw little dots under their noses to indicate they have a crack problem. Is this where journalism has fallen to? Not only do I not care about the stories you tell, now I've got someone with the artistic ability of a four year old ruining a perfectly good picture of Megan Fox by drawing a dick on it? This guy needs to be hit in the face. Here's an example of his handywork on Vanessa Hudgens. See not only does she have no pigment in her eyes, she has man chowder on her face and she's squirting all over the ground!! Look how clever! If only torture were legal...
7.22.2008
Look Ma, No Hands!! (And Other Tales of Fashion)
I don't know what to say about the current Bluetooth fad other than it confuses and terrifies me. I encounter these people with Britney Spears head mics popping out of their ears on a daily basis. I know you should be hands free while you're driving your car, but why are you walking through the store or down the street talking into your Bluetooth? Everybody else thinks you are talking to yourself!
So this leads me to ask the question of when did it become popular to appear as if you are fuckin crazy?
I don't understand why people need to be hands free while walking down the street. What's the point? And half of the time, they are holding their phone in their hand while they use the bluetooth!! That is a contradiction unlike no other. That's like holding a spoon and eating your cereal by immersing your face in 2 percent and Count Chocula.
Another thing that people continue to wear when they don't need to is the bike helmet.
Again, you look absolutely retarded. Do you really need to protect your skull while you pick out your Dannon Yogurt and Tide Detergent? When was the last time you almost hit your head while picking up Kid Cuisine for your children? You may know that Portland is one of the leading cities in the U.S. in bicycle tolerance, so there are plenty of opportunities (especially where I work) to see the people still wearing bike helmets and gloves into a building. You couldn't take 12 seconds to pop off your foam dome and mesh gloves? (This woman is showing you the international sign for douchebaggery.)
I was at the mall recently. I don't go often for the mere fact that
teenagers give me a headache. I know that makes me sound old, but fuck off. What can I say, unnecessary noise and ugly people annoy me. Especially ugly, loud people who wear ridiculous things. I saw two teens wearing shutter shades. I turned to the teenager closest to me as he walked by and said, "You look dumb." Somebody needs to say something. And if super-creepy Joe Simpson wears them, then ew! Enough said.
So this leads me to ask the question of when did it become popular to appear as if you are fuckin crazy?
I don't understand why people need to be hands free while walking down the street. What's the point? And half of the time, they are holding their phone in their hand while they use the bluetooth!! That is a contradiction unlike no other. That's like holding a spoon and eating your cereal by immersing your face in 2 percent and Count Chocula.
Another thing that people continue to wear when they don't need to is the bike helmet.
Again, you look absolutely retarded. Do you really need to protect your skull while you pick out your Dannon Yogurt and Tide Detergent? When was the last time you almost hit your head while picking up Kid Cuisine for your children? You may know that Portland is one of the leading cities in the U.S. in bicycle tolerance, so there are plenty of opportunities (especially where I work) to see the people still wearing bike helmets and gloves into a building. You couldn't take 12 seconds to pop off your foam dome and mesh gloves? (This woman is showing you the international sign for douchebaggery.)I was at the mall recently. I don't go often for the mere fact that
teenagers give me a headache. I know that makes me sound old, but fuck off. What can I say, unnecessary noise and ugly people annoy me. Especially ugly, loud people who wear ridiculous things. I saw two teens wearing shutter shades. I turned to the teenager closest to me as he walked by and said, "You look dumb." Somebody needs to say something. And if super-creepy Joe Simpson wears them, then ew! Enough said.
6.24.2008
Green Is Good
I'm all for being green and practicing a sustainable lifestyle, but some people just take it too far!
I was at work today, in the checkstand waiting on impatient people who no longer want to look at every cooler and touch every other product. I was ringing up a woman's order while she was trying to calm down a screaming infant attached to her torso with one of those Johnny Jump-Up super nylon reverse backpack things.
I noticed that she was purchasing organic foods and "green" cleaning products. She paid for a part of her order with a gift card that had now been deemed useless since there were no funds left on it. I offer to take the card off of her hands and toss it in the wastebasket behind me. I had no idea that I was waiting on the chief ambassador of recyling, reducing and reusing as I tossed the 3" x 4" card to its horrible death.
Right away, this lady shot me a look and said, "Aren't you going to recycle that? You mean you guys don't reuse them?" She pretty much made me feel like an ass for no reason other than to flex her green nuts in my face. I came up here to cut the huge line you were just standing in, in half, so you could have a pleasant shopping experience and get home faster. So you thank me by swinging your ugly baby in my face and make me feel like a dick because I didn't reuse your tiny gift card that can never have money added back to it successfully? Thanks, you effin' chunt!
So don't let me stop you from recycling your life away, just don't turn your nose up at me for doing my job.
I was at work today, in the checkstand waiting on impatient people who no longer want to look at every cooler and touch every other product. I was ringing up a woman's order while she was trying to calm down a screaming infant attached to her torso with one of those Johnny Jump-Up super nylon reverse backpack things.
I noticed that she was purchasing organic foods and "green" cleaning products. She paid for a part of her order with a gift card that had now been deemed useless since there were no funds left on it. I offer to take the card off of her hands and toss it in the wastebasket behind me. I had no idea that I was waiting on the chief ambassador of recyling, reducing and reusing as I tossed the 3" x 4" card to its horrible death. Right away, this lady shot me a look and said, "Aren't you going to recycle that? You mean you guys don't reuse them?" She pretty much made me feel like an ass for no reason other than to flex her green nuts in my face. I came up here to cut the huge line you were just standing in, in half, so you could have a pleasant shopping experience and get home faster. So you thank me by swinging your ugly baby in my face and make me feel like a dick because I didn't reuse your tiny gift card that can never have money added back to it successfully? Thanks, you effin' chunt!
So don't let me stop you from recycling your life away, just don't turn your nose up at me for doing my job.
8.19.2007
...And From Left Field
Now this is something that Nikki and I stumbled upon over at The Superficial website. It's a site that Nikki frequents to learn of all the celebrity gossip that makes my eyes roll (kind of the same way ESPN makes hers roll). Anyways we saw this entry and I just had to blog about it.
It seems that an inmate in the South Carolina prison system named Johnathan Lee Riches claims that Michael Vick stole two of his pit bulls and used them for dog fighting. After he was done with the dogs, he sold them on eBay "and used the proceeds to buy missiles from the Iran Government." He also claims that Vick stole his identity to open credit cards at PetSmart and DoggieWarehouse. Also Vick is accused of selling apparel and other merchandise bearing the name of Johnathan Lee Riches.
It turns out Riches has a history of suing famous people and places. You have to check this out.
The plaintiff asks for $63 billion backed by gold and silver to be delivered to the South Carolina Corrections Facility.
...After reading this...I really don't...I'm having a hard time...trying to understand...WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS GUY?? I know I'd be the guy in jail egging him on and telling him to make his handwritten lawsuit "look real" because that might convince the District Attorney to take the case and prosecute Michael Vick for "using drugs in school zones" and because he "subjected me (Riches) to microwave testing."
Ha.
I hope Carly gets a kick out of this.
It seems that an inmate in the South Carolina prison system named Johnathan Lee Riches claims that Michael Vick stole two of his pit bulls and used them for dog fighting. After he was done with the dogs, he sold them on eBay "and used the proceeds to buy missiles from the Iran Government." He also claims that Vick stole his identity to open credit cards at PetSmart and DoggieWarehouse. Also Vick is accused of selling apparel and other merchandise bearing the name of Johnathan Lee Riches.
It turns out Riches has a history of suing famous people and places. You have to check this out.
The plaintiff asks for $63 billion backed by gold and silver to be delivered to the South Carolina Corrections Facility.
...After reading this...I really don't...I'm having a hard time...trying to understand...WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS GUY?? I know I'd be the guy in jail egging him on and telling him to make his handwritten lawsuit "look real" because that might convince the District Attorney to take the case and prosecute Michael Vick for "using drugs in school zones" and because he "subjected me (Riches) to microwave testing."
Ha.
I hope Carly gets a kick out of this.
A Week Under the Stars
This post will be a narration without pictures since I forgot my camera on my camping trip to the Prineville Reservoir State Park in Prineville, Oregon.
Day One: Nikki and I were supposed to leave on Saturday the 11th, but couldn't work up the gumption to get off of our asses and actually pack some clothes (mostly because our clothes still needed to be washed) and clean the house since American Carli was watching our pad and keeping after our cats while we were out. We ended up shopping and leaving around 3:30pm on Sunday the 12th. I drove over Mt. Hood while Nikki played DJ. We only went the wrong way once as I had never driven to Prineville before and really didn't know where I was going. Although I led us astray, we ended up making it there in just over 2 1/2 hours (Google's directions gave something like 3 hours and 35 minutes for a travel time). This may be due to the fact that I was passing people on the two lane highway like I was Tony Stewart and averaging a speed of 85mph (I got that Nissan up to 102mph at one point). Anyways, we arrived and set up camp before it got dark and proceeded to play cards for most of the night.
Day two started early as Nikki woke up with an urge to relieve herself and then she couldn't fall back asleep after I walked her to the bathroom. "Are you going back to sleep?" she asked at one point, to which I said (with my eyes closed), "Nope." It was a little light outside (it turned out to be before 6am) and we played cards while keeping quiet. My mom woke up and we watched a deer eat whatever was left of a loaf of bread that Nikki and I brought.
Note: When camping, don't leave any type of food in any type of container that can be chewed through. The animals will find it, and eat it!)
The rest of the trip I spent getting burnt, swimming, pulled behind a boat, eating, sleeping, drinking and gabbing. I learned that camping really isn't fun unless you have lots of alcohol around. Nikki spent day four polishing off a bottle of Evan Williams. She drank the whole fuckin' thing!! Needless to say, she was pretty well shit-faced when we decided to go to bed and became the second person on the trip (my brother-in-law being the first) to succumb to an alcohol-induced yak-fest. She felt like shit the next day (the hangover plus an earache and sore throat) so we left on Friday to deal with life once again. I was glad to be home, in my own bed, but didn't want to deal with bills or work again. My vacation ends on Tuesday, when the bitch that is Fred Meyer calls me back to slave again at 9am.
Guess that means the end of my pathetic attempt at growing a beard (I haven't shaved since August 8th). Maybe I'll put a picture up before I shave it off. It was a great time. We saw stuff we normally don't see in the city (shooting stars, deer, lizards, giant toads, snakes), we battled the pathetic beings that call themselves park rangers. It was good times, indeed!
Day One: Nikki and I were supposed to leave on Saturday the 11th, but couldn't work up the gumption to get off of our asses and actually pack some clothes (mostly because our clothes still needed to be washed) and clean the house since American Carli was watching our pad and keeping after our cats while we were out. We ended up shopping and leaving around 3:30pm on Sunday the 12th. I drove over Mt. Hood while Nikki played DJ. We only went the wrong way once as I had never driven to Prineville before and really didn't know where I was going. Although I led us astray, we ended up making it there in just over 2 1/2 hours (Google's directions gave something like 3 hours and 35 minutes for a travel time). This may be due to the fact that I was passing people on the two lane highway like I was Tony Stewart and averaging a speed of 85mph (I got that Nissan up to 102mph at one point). Anyways, we arrived and set up camp before it got dark and proceeded to play cards for most of the night.
Day two started early as Nikki woke up with an urge to relieve herself and then she couldn't fall back asleep after I walked her to the bathroom. "Are you going back to sleep?" she asked at one point, to which I said (with my eyes closed), "Nope." It was a little light outside (it turned out to be before 6am) and we played cards while keeping quiet. My mom woke up and we watched a deer eat whatever was left of a loaf of bread that Nikki and I brought.
Note: When camping, don't leave any type of food in any type of container that can be chewed through. The animals will find it, and eat it!)
The rest of the trip I spent getting burnt, swimming, pulled behind a boat, eating, sleeping, drinking and gabbing. I learned that camping really isn't fun unless you have lots of alcohol around. Nikki spent day four polishing off a bottle of Evan Williams. She drank the whole fuckin' thing!! Needless to say, she was pretty well shit-faced when we decided to go to bed and became the second person on the trip (my brother-in-law being the first) to succumb to an alcohol-induced yak-fest. She felt like shit the next day (the hangover plus an earache and sore throat) so we left on Friday to deal with life once again. I was glad to be home, in my own bed, but didn't want to deal with bills or work again. My vacation ends on Tuesday, when the bitch that is Fred Meyer calls me back to slave again at 9am.
Guess that means the end of my pathetic attempt at growing a beard (I haven't shaved since August 8th). Maybe I'll put a picture up before I shave it off. It was a great time. We saw stuff we normally don't see in the city (shooting stars, deer, lizards, giant toads, snakes), we battled the pathetic beings that call themselves park rangers. It was good times, indeed!
5.31.2007
Maybe Vick is a Dick
So if you've read my blogs past and present, you'd know I'd played a little trick on Carly by bad-mouthing her favorite NFL-er, Michael Vick. It was a great fake out on my part and it ended up being funny for all the parties involved.
But now that Mr. Vick is likely to be indicted on charges of dog fighting, it makes me wonder why a guy with, presumably, all the money in the world, would turn to such a vicious hobby as dog fighting. It's really mind-boggling. You could do anything in the world, and you have to break the law? Although cock fighting is still legal in New Mexico for another two weeks, the sport of fighting any animal is sickening.
What's the point? I guess you could also say the same about the UFC and boxing. But in these sports, the fighters are paid for beating the hell out of one another. And they also aren't trying to kill each other. I have lost some respect for Mr. Vick. But who really didn't see this coming?
His little brother Marcus is a punk. He stomped on an opponent in the Gator Bowl. He was also arrested for driving with a suspended license. Why was his license suspended you ask? Reckless driving and marijuana possession. The older Vick was suspected of carrying the magic herb in a secret compartment in a water bottle at the Miami International Airport (although no evidence of the herb was found in the bottle, why the hell do you need any type of secret compartment at an airport?).
So I know everybody wants to know if Vick is indicted, will he play next season? Will he face prison time? Will the Atlanta Falcons be stuck with Joey Harrington as their starting quarterback? It wasn't long ago when my favorite team's image was marred by accusations (true ones of course) of dog fighting. I bet somewhere Qyntel Woods is excited that he's made it on ESPN finally.
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