Celebrity Obsession

Now I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not without an obsession and that whenever anything related to the Portland Trail Blazers becomes newsworthy, I know about it within an hour after press time. Sports has always been a huge part of my life. I understand sports. There's a winner, a loser, and things are usually resolved within two hours. I cannot say the same for Hollywood.

Why are people like my wife so obsessed with where Lindsay Lohan ate lunch? Why does she care if Gisele made Tom carry her purse outside of a restaurant? Seal beat up a paparazzi? I don't give a shit. Tom and Katie took Suri to the park? I took my dog to the park! Why are we so infatuated with celebrities lives? I understand if they got a DUI or killed someone or donated sperm, that's probably newsworthy stuff. But I don't give a damn if they are doing everyday errands.

The shows like TMZ drive me crazy. It's a room filled with a bunch of "reporters" telling that guy from The People's Court what they saw in Hollywood.

Dumb-Ass Reporter: "We got Shelley Long outside of the Ritz Carlton and she's walking to her car!"

Harvey Levin: "Really!?"

D.A.R.: "Yeah, she's wearing a yellow cardigan and it's absolutely fabulous!"

H.L.: "Was it cold outside or something?"

D.A.R.: "It was a little balmy for November I'm not going to lie. It made me wonder why she would wear a cardigan in such fantastic weather."

H.L.: "Yeah, I wonder if she watches the weather forecast."

(At this point, the whole room of reporters bursts into laughter because that was obviously funny)

Now I made that up, but it's not far from the truth. They once did a "story" on Nancy Reagan. She walked from a restaurant to her car and they all commented on how good she looked for being like 204 years old. WHO GIVES A SHIT?!? They do about 20 of these things in a half an hour.

I also dig the magazines like People that have a two page spread dedicated to celebrities who do stuff like regular people do. They buy Charmin! They pump their own gas! They stand in line! Big fuckin' deal! Why do I care that Hugh Jackman likes Quilted Northern?

Finally, the Internet is one of the worst mediums for reporting celebrity nonsense. My wife checks Perez Hilton probably more than I check ESPN for scores. It's a little more newsworthy than TMZ but almost as annoying. He'll post stories that are mostly news releases and stories nobody cares about. But the most annoying thing about this fairy is that he uses Microsoft Paint to draw everything from dicks to cumshots on every celebrity's face. Sometimes he'll switch it up and draw little dots under their noses to indicate they have a crack problem. Is this where journalism has fallen to? Not only do I not care about the stories you tell, now I've got someone with the artistic ability of a four year old ruining a perfectly good picture of Megan Fox by drawing a dick on it? This guy needs to be hit in the face. Here's an example of his handywork on Vanessa Hudgens. See not only does she have no pigment in her eyes, she has man chowder on her face and she's squirting all over the ground!! Look how clever!

If only torture were legal...