Egg-static Saturday

The sun made a cameo appearance today in the PMA.  Hip-hop-hooray!  Last year, we struggled to find an appropriate Easter egg hunt for the boy.  It ended up with him only getting one (real, hard-boiled) egg, which he promptly threw and later curb-stomped to show his disapproval.  That experience kind of soured me on doing the Easter egg thing.  Parents elbowing you and scooping up all the eggs for their 3 month old napping in their Baby Bjorns.  All the while, the kids who are actually trying to grab some egg are left with nearly empty baskets and equally empty tear ducts.  If I'd known the parents were going to have at it, I'd check your fanny pack into the bushes.

This year, the wife spent a few days trying to get me hyped for an even more local egg hunt in my old stomping grounds.  The second she said, "Brentwood Park" I kind of internally groaned.  I spent three years of my youth at the adjacent Lane Middle School.  They were good years but I vividly remember the surrounding neighborhood and the less than savory folks that live in the immediate area.  "But there's going to be a helicopter that drops eggs!"  Ok, honey, you've piqued my interest. 

A beautiful day it was in the ol' 'hood.  The smell of fresh-cut grass was in the air.  After we found parking (place was stuffed) we walked to one of the orange tents to register our kid.  Everything seemed pretty great.  The registration line was semi-long, but moved pretty rapidly.  We got squared away with the registration people and had 45 minutes to burn.  Face-painting?  He'd freak out and rub it off.  Easter bunny?  The line was re-donk.  Let's just wait for the helicopter to arrive. 

Putting on his best mommy cheeser face

They relegated the 0-2 year-old kids to the tennis courts for safety.  Good idea, except the wind blew the eggs to the large crack in between the two tennis courts and to the fences.  The organizers fixed this by picking up the eggs and dropping them as they let the kids loose.  Now this group of kids was allowed one parent to help them grab eggs.  I wasn't sure if my boy, who is pretty bright when it comes to getting what he wants, would get the whole, "when I grab the eggs they go in my basket and they are mine now" concept.  Turns out, he had absolutely no problem figuring it out after a few pre-hunt freak outs.

Turns out the whole thing was being put on by Hopecity Church.  Apparently they meet on Sundays at the middle school.  I don't know if I could go to church in the same place I used to kiss girls and beat up foreigners.

Examining the loot

He scooped up about 20 eggs.  It was super cute.  We all had a good time.  We turned over our egg loot for candy loot and were on our way. 

We then went for a little after-hunt brunch at McCrae's cafe.  I then proceeded to eat a 12-egg omelet, hashbrowns, toast, and 3/4 of a giant pancake the kid would finish.  I'm still full and it's 10PM.

The Kid

My son turned 21 months old today. I always used to hate it when I'd ask a person how old their kid was and they'd say, "22 months." Now I have to take a second to do math and figure out how old your bastard child is. I now realize that if I told you my kid was one years old, you'd think he was a giant. My kid IS a giant, but every time someone asks me his age, I start with, "he's almost 2" and then submit the painful "21 months." I also realize that this will end once he turns two. There's no way that I'll say my son is 58 months old. See because now you still don't know how old he is (4 years, 10 months) and I sound like a pretentious dickhole.

He is growing everyday and after spending two days at home, I'm sometimes ready to go back to work. He's loud, obnoxious, sweaty, crazy, stubborn, adorable and bipolar all at the same time. He likes to headbutt, attack the cat, smack faces, fist bump, and give you a high-five all at once.

He's quick with a "what's that" but can't say much else. If you tell him no, he'll headbutt the couch or ground. Take something away from him and he'll scream his face off and hold his breath until he turns purple. His new hobby is to shove his hand down his throat and puke all over the place. He's aiming to be the poster child for toddler bulimia.

He's knows a lot more than he lets on at times. He understands what we say, he just has other ideas about what should happen at any given moment. Selective hearing is an understatement with this kid. I imagine this is what most kids are like at his age (21 months....or a year and 9 months...whatever).

I know that all kids are "beautiful" but there are some really ugly kids out there. If we go out in public and somebody doesn't tell me how handsome he is, that will be the first time.

My kid is a lot of things but there isn't one thing I would change about him. He is perfect in my eyes and hopefully my wife and I are doing right by him and raise him to be a responsible young man who will raise a family of his own someday.

Hayden Thomas Dexheimer

Well a lot has happened since those tomatoes tried to ruin my hoagie. On September 1st, 2009, Nikki gave birth to a ten pounder! I started to get a little nervous the night before we went into the hospital because I knew he was coming and I hoped he would be healthy.

I could give a complete play-by-play of the day he was born, but that would bore you. It was about 9 hours into Nikki's labor when I was awakened from the most uncomfortable sofa by the doctor discussing with Nikki that a cesarean section would be necessary. That stubborn boy wasn't coming out on his own. Immediately, I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. I tried to keep calm by taking silent deep breaths. It seemed to work as they brought in scrubs for me and her mom to wear into the delivery room.

I think that the time between the doctors wheeling Nikki into the delivery room and the time we were actually allowed to enter the delivery room was the longest period of time I've ever imagined. I'm sure that if I had a stopwatch, it would have read like 15 minutes, but it seemed like 15 hours.

We finally got to go into the room and I felt like I walked into a refrigerator. It was maybe 50 degrees inside and I could feel it on my feet. See I wore size 13 flip flops to the hospital and the little booties didn't fit over them so I just wore the booties over my bare feet. Nikki was strapped to the table like Jesus. The combo of nerves, two epidurals, the cold room and other sedatives left her shivering like a Mexican in Alaska.

We made a b-line for two stools seated at Nikki's head and behind the curtain as to obstruct our view from the sawing and organ moving that was about to commence. The G-D anaesthesiologist had some of the worst 80's music playing on the stereo. Islands in the Stream doesn't calm me down ever. It makes me emit rage in normal settings. When my wife is strapped to an ironing board having people escort her abdomen out of the way, I definitely don't want to hear Dolly Parton's twang. It's not folksy, it sucks. The whole procedure took about 20 minutes to get baby out and 20 minutes to stitch Nikki up.

The doctors wouldn't let us leave the OR yet, so I was trying to show the throng of supporters in the hallway our new addition through a window that you couldn't squeeze a dictionary through. We finally got to go out in the hallway and everybody took turns drooling over him.

I know it's taken me ten months to write this blog, but I've been busy. Hayden is the best thing that Nikki and I have ever done and I cannot imagine my life without him. Oh, by the way, the stereo was playing "I Wanna Know What Love Is" by Foreigner when he was born. The picture below is of him (9 months) and I.

It's (gonna be) A Boy!

December 24th, 2008:

I've gotten some things together to take over to the in-laws house for our annual Christmas gathering. I can't remember exactly what she asked for, but it was something like shoes, pants, and a pregnancy test. We had one at the house for just such an occasion. Ever since she asked for it, it had weighed on my mind heavily. The thoughts were there. I was having thoughts any guy would have. Could I be a Dad? Am I ready? What will it look like? What's the score of the game? I wouldn't say that I was too worried about it though. I was calm, my palms were relatively dry, I didn't feel like throwing up.

I got to the in-laws and almost immediately tried to free Cari from the snow drift that had enveloped her vehicle. We both dug for about 45 minutes around the perimeter of the car until she could get into the damn thing. Then we got it defrosted and eventually got a path dug so she could back out of the driveway. Chains were applied and last minute Christmas shopping was underway.

Nikki didn't arrive until sometime later that afternoon. We greeted each other with a kiss (as always) and I handed her the bag with a change of clothes in it? I put a question mark because I'm still not sure what else was in that bag. I know there was cloth in it. She went into the bathroom to change...I think...and to take the test. I sat in the living room just waiting for her to finish. Then I get a text message that reads something like, "Come here." I knew what it meant. I wouldn't have gotten a text if it was negative. She would have come out of the bathroom and shook her head at me and we would have continued on like nothing had happened.

I took the long walk to the bathroom and knocked. "Yeah." I entered to see my beautiful wife with a look on her face I had never seen before. It probably started with a smile, but had turned into something else. She was still semi-smiling, but her eyes were welling up and she looked scared, like she was wondering how I was going to react. We won't get into why that is, but she showed me the stick and after not reading the instructions, I knew what it meant, but I didn't have all the symbols and their meanings memorized. (I don't think they make flash cards for that type of thing. Why don't all those pregancy test manufacturers stick with two symbols or colors and call it good?) I pulled her in close and gave her a hug and a kiss and reassured her that I was ecstatic about the news and that we were going to be ok.

Nikki then told me to get a small box because she was going to wrap the test up and give it to her mom for Christmas. The first thing I thought was...ICK! She said that she had logged many hours watching America's Funniest Videos and that people did this all the time and filmed the receipient's reaction. (We didn't have a camera, but we should have.)

After all the presents were handed out and opened, Nikki went and got the big gift. She put it in a small box that was the previous home to some tea bags and she wrapped it in a lot of tissue paper. It took her Mom (and partially Dad...he was pawing at it when Shellie would pause to talk) a while to get it open and when she finally did, her words were, "Why did you give me a pregnancy test?" Then you could see the hamster stand up, stretch, and hop on the wheel and start sprinting cause Shellie just screamed and cried (tears of joy) and jumped off the couch (nearly toppling Ben) on her way to hug Nikki. It was one of the funniest reactions ever......

December 25th, 2008:

Christmas Day was here and we needed to get my Mom a gift so we could get funny reaction #2. So what's open on Christmas Day besides the movie theatre you may ask? Walgreens! We headed up to the neighborhood Wal to pick out a baby's bib or shirt that mentioned a Grandma or some other relative, but we were unable to find one. We finally settled on a pacifier and put it in the tiniest gift bag you ever saw. We headed up to my sister's house on Dick Drive, but due to the snow and ice, couldn't make it up the hill. We parked at the base and summoned brother in law Derek to shuttle us up to the festivities. We were late (as always) and the presents were almost all opened. We sat down and greeted people as we opened our gifts. Finally it was time to give Mom the gift we had just picked out. I handed her the bag and she started to open it. Just then, Amy said, "Oh here's another gift from me to you, Mom." Shit! Our gift was supposed to be the last one because you can't really follow our gift with any gift besides a new house or a cruise or a lot of money. Since I knew Amy wouldn't give our Mom any of those things (and the box was about the size of a toaster) her gift was going to suck compared to ours.

So my Mom opens it and holds the pacifier and starts laughing. I look at Amy and Kim and their jaws were on the floor. My Mom didn't get it. She was all like, "What?" She even looked in the bag to see if anything was missing. She looked at Amy who finally said, "Nikki's pregnant!" "Oh!"......my Mom had just figured it out. Then, since nobody was really paying attention on the other side of the room, other people started asking what had happened because my sisters couldn't believe my Mom's lacking detective skills. Then everybody got the news and Christmas continued. (By the way, Amy got my Mom a Tupperware set or something)

January 19th, 2009: (8 weeks)

Our first appointment with the OB/GYN had arrived and we were both excited. Nikki was less excited about all the tests they were going to do, but it's all standard procedure to make sure that the baby and the Mom are healthy. I sat and watched Nikki get a battery of tests done and then it was time for our first ultrasound to make sure everything was in order and to find out (officially) how far along the pregnancy was.

When the image of the peanut popped onto the screen we were excited. I don't think Nikki saw it. I'm having a hard time remembering. Her head was at a funky angle and I think she played along with it. No wait, she couldn't see the heartbeat. It looked like a tiny flashing bolt of lightning flickering in there. At only 8 weeks, the baby was the size of a peanut, so we couldn't tell anything besides the fact that it was there and it's heart was beating at 155bpm.

April 13th, 2009: (20 weeks)

It's the milestone a lot of expecting parents look forward to. You are halfway through the pregnancy and can usually expect to find out what sex the baby is. Why do people like to make the baby's gender a guessing game? We have the technology and dexterity to find this information and people ignore it! Then your baby ends up with neutral tones all over their clothing and nursery. Just find out what it is because that's the first question people are going to ask you.

Would it be Hayden Thomas or Addison Marie we asked ourselves?

We woke up early because the appointment for the ultrasound was at 7:30AM. Nikki had to drink 32 ounces of water for the ultrasound so that her bladder was nice and full for when they start ramming the image stick into her belly. After a short internal debate, she peed once right after starting to drink the water to give her bladder a break.

We arrived at for the appointment early and waited inside the car in the parking lot. We were waiting for Nikki's Mom to arrive (also notoriously late) and didn't want to seem too eager to get inside (plus it was pretty cold out). We finally went inside and checked in with the secretary/administrative assistant. We sat down and I read an old copy of Time while Nikki texted her Mom. We were called in shortly after and Nikki hopped on the bed and assumed the position. Suzette, the ultrasound tech was an intern and was not as experienced. She explained what she was going to do and that a more experienced technician would tell us the sex of the baby. After taking a bunch of photos and measuring every measurable part of the kid, she left to summon the other lady. Not important what her name was, but she came in and rammed the image stick into Nikki even harder (I'm surprised Nikki didn't pee all over the place) to get the final images taken and to solve the gender mystery.

When it was finally time to look for the mystery part(s), the tech moved the wand down towards baby's legs (which were clearly visible) and I yelled out, "That's a penis!" Everybody laughed, but I was right. I jumped out of my chair and gave a hearty cheer. I gave her Mom (who arrived shortly after we were called in) a high five. Nikki looked a little disappointed because she wanted a girl. Every time we look at baby girl clothes and she sees the ruffly-butt panties she goes, "Ohhhh!," and gets that face that says "I want a girl!" The tech had to be all "medically correct" and say that it wasn't 100% that it was a boy and that some parts moved during pregnancy, but I know a penis when I see one (that sounded awful) and that was a penis! Nikki was allowed to pee and we left. As we were leaving, Nikki said something like, "The next one better be a girl."


April 19th, 2009:

So it's going to be a boy and I couldn't be more excited. We're going to start painting the nursery soon and we already have an outfit for him. He won't be able to wear it for awhile, but it's a Michael Jordan onesie with black socks and hat that have the Air Jordan symbol on them.

I'm carrying on the Dexheimer name. Every time we've seen a new ultrasound, it gets a little more real. We're both excited to meet our newest family member. Hopefully, he'll grow up to be a respectable guy who is smart, responsible, strong and kind. Most of all, I just hope that he's healthy and I can raise him the right way and lead him on a path to a successful life. I know he's going to make his own decisions, but I want to educate him and teach him everything I've learned so that he'll be prepared for anything he'll encounter. I'm not looking to become the world's greatest Dad, but hopefully, he'll see me as that.