Why Old People Need to be Stopped

I realize it's been a month and a half since I last blogged. Let's be real here. I can't update things as often as I'd like because my brain doesn't cooperate with my free time so I'm just going to do some blogging here and there and just so you don't have to check back everyday for new mind-blowing commentary, I'll just update you through my stati (plural for status?) on Facebook (facebook.com/dexheimer), MySpace (myspace.com/southeastproduct) and Twitter (twitter.com/dex503). Now, on to developing news...

I was groggy in the breakroom at work. It was 5:45AM. Usually while I wait to give my life away, I watch the local news. They did a story on Buzz Aldrin burgeoning rap career. Yes, you read that correctly. Mr. Aldrin, the second man on the moon, the national hero, the 79 year old white guy, is rapping about his voyage to the moon. His single, Rocket Experience, is available on iTunes to download.

First off, I'd like to hack into iTunes to see how many people have purchased this gem. Secondly, why has this been allowed to happen? Who thought this would ever be a great idea? Ok, the answer to that second question is Snoop Dogg, Quincy Jones, Talib Kweli, etc. Ok, and the proceeds go to Aldrin's charity. Whatever. I have no problem with people doing charity work or being interested in space travel and NASA. I do have a problem with the way Buzz, who will be henceforth referred to in this blog by his rap pseudonym, Doc Rendezvous, goes about raising money. Hold a G-D golf tournament or something. Sell some memorabilia. Write a book for f's sake! You'd probably make more money by standing on a corner in Orlando selling prune juice to other elderly people.

Maybe it's just me, but when I see an old person trying to be cool or doing something that they shouldn't, I get embarrassed for them, and then I get mad at them for making me feel bad for them. A good example of this is when old people try to play sports or skateboard. This isn't just Doc Rendezvous either. Most old people do things like this.


Let's keep the elderly in their comfort zones people. Please, continue to watch Jeopardy, crap yourselves in public places, drive 31 mph on the Interstate, yell at the drive thru operator, wear shorts with black dress socks pulled to your knees, drive a Rascal 31 mph in public places, be confused by new technology, vote Republican, etc. There is no place for you in a rap studio surrounded by men half your age smoking weed and calling you Doc Rendezvous.

Just for humor's sake, please listen to the sample on iTunes by clicking here.

I almost want to buy it and listen to the whole thing. Maybe I'll blip it.

Ahh-Choo! Now touch my face.

Universities are closing down, people are calling into work in epic numbers. So what's the deal with the swine flu? Why are we as a country so paranoid that every time a geezer sneezes, you have a 95% chance of contracting H1N1 or the swine flu as it's notoriously labeled. Almost everyone I've talked to in the past week has mentioned this "pandemic". I'd say half of them are worried they might contract it but let me hit you with some knowledge real quick (some factual knowledge, but mostly just my opinion). I'm going to try to neutralize the pandemonium from my little corner of the blogosphere.

In the 2008-09 flu season (1/6/08-1/3/09), the CDC (Center for Disease Control) had 1,173 positive tests for influenza. This is just samples that were tested. Many people get the seasonal flu and just puke their faces off in the privacy of their own homes. So you have to belive that there are thousands of unreported cases also. Currently, the swine flu has 160 cases nationwide in 2 weeks. I'm not impressed. The bird flu was much more impressive. It killed 60% of the people it infected. We still have a bird flu kit at work. It sits in the stockroom under the eyewash station that nobody uses. It's got mostly gloves and masks in it. Enough for about 50 people. Considering the fact that we have 350 employees, I'm not sure it would be too effective in a massive outbreak.

Telling people to wash their hands and to cover their mouths when they sneeze and cough is upsetting to me. This should be common knowledge! Why don't people know how to do this? If people did these things regularly, we'd all be fine. It wouldn't eliminate influenza completely, but it would cut down on it quite a bit. The CDC website also suggested that you "throw used tissues in the waste basket." Listen up handkerchief users (geezers)! Throw those snot rags out and grab a Kleenex.

So, to recap:

- Don't touch or lick a pig's face and/or lips.
- Don't eat raw pork.
- Wash your hands.
- Stay away from farmers.
- Never use a handkerchief.

The one thing I've noticed about face masks this week is that I don't call them face masks anymore. It's a weird reflex to call them SARS masks. Wheels mentioned something about a SARS Guard. That's a nice sounding term.

Hopefully, as this global disease runs its cycle, the media will stop feeding the masses bowls of worry with sidedishes of fear. Especially the elderly. C'mon, they believe nearly everything they see on TV. Finally, I'll end this post with a wish.

I wish I could laugh in the faces of everybody who has worn a face mask in public in the last two weeks. Except for people who really are sick, doctors and people who work in dusty environments.

Bless You!

Now that I've just taken my last final of the term and consequently completed my fifth year at the U, I've refocused my attention towards the general public and found some things that disturb me.

Handkerchief
Not only is this abomination of personal hygiene unsightly, it is one of the most annoying words to try and spell without first verifying it with a dictionary. Frequently utilized by the elderly, it's a rag that you pull from your pocket, unfold, and discharge the contents of your nose into. This part of it is all fine and dandy as all people find a point in time where they wish they had a pocket pack of Kleenex available so they could blow their "nose on the go". The next step is unnerving to me and I'm sure I'm not alone here. After the final blow, the old guy folds it into fourths, gives a final wipe of the schnozz, folds again, and puts in back into his pocket!

You can imagine walking down the street, eyeing the elderly and wondering if they have their bodily fluids encased in cloth and burning a hole in their pocket. And then they expect you to shake their hand when you meet them? Screw that! Maybe it's the OCD talking, but I've gotta wash my hands after shaking with an old person. Just the thought of a soaked handkerchief soaking through their pocket makes me want to convulse violently until they leave. So this may not be the consensus, but it's my opinion. And if you think the handkerchief is a single-use item, think again. When that guy pulls it back out of his pocket and blows another shot of mucus into that rag, he's rubbing his old snot all over his nose and face. I really can't think of anything more disgusting other than adult diapers.

Seat-Jumper
This is the person on the public transportation who sits next to a complete stranger on a crowded bus or train and then when a seat comes available and they have the opportunity to sit by themselves with an open seat next to them, they jump up and take it without letting the people who are standing get the first crack at sitting down. When this happens, I like to sit next to Mr. or Mrs. Seat-Jumper so they get all pissed off. That's right, you moved for no reason. You're still sitting next to someone you don't know, and now you are trapped between me and the window!