Bless You!

Now that I've just taken my last final of the term and consequently completed my fifth year at the U, I've refocused my attention towards the general public and found some things that disturb me.

Handkerchief
Not only is this abomination of personal hygiene unsightly, it is one of the most annoying words to try and spell without first verifying it with a dictionary. Frequently utilized by the elderly, it's a rag that you pull from your pocket, unfold, and discharge the contents of your nose into. This part of it is all fine and dandy as all people find a point in time where they wish they had a pocket pack of Kleenex available so they could blow their "nose on the go". The next step is unnerving to me and I'm sure I'm not alone here. After the final blow, the old guy folds it into fourths, gives a final wipe of the schnozz, folds again, and puts in back into his pocket!

You can imagine walking down the street, eyeing the elderly and wondering if they have their bodily fluids encased in cloth and burning a hole in their pocket. And then they expect you to shake their hand when you meet them? Screw that! Maybe it's the OCD talking, but I've gotta wash my hands after shaking with an old person. Just the thought of a soaked handkerchief soaking through their pocket makes me want to convulse violently until they leave. So this may not be the consensus, but it's my opinion. And if you think the handkerchief is a single-use item, think again. When that guy pulls it back out of his pocket and blows another shot of mucus into that rag, he's rubbing his old snot all over his nose and face. I really can't think of anything more disgusting other than adult diapers.

Seat-Jumper
This is the person on the public transportation who sits next to a complete stranger on a crowded bus or train and then when a seat comes available and they have the opportunity to sit by themselves with an open seat next to them, they jump up and take it without letting the people who are standing get the first crack at sitting down. When this happens, I like to sit next to Mr. or Mrs. Seat-Jumper so they get all pissed off. That's right, you moved for no reason. You're still sitting next to someone you don't know, and now you are trapped between me and the window!

Your Body is a Wonderland?..Mine isn't.

If there's an event that I am guaranteed to tell everyone I know about and could possibly tell the same person two or three times, it's when somebody's body does something it normally would not do. Somebody pees their pants? Awesome! Somebody crapped in the hallway? Excellent! Somebody tore three of the four ligaments in their knee? Ouch!

I had a front row seat to one of these gems while riding the MAX on Tuesday night. You may have read an earlier blog about my "fascination" with the Metropolitan Area eXpress. I had another run-in with "The Person Who Couldn't Hold Their Liquor." (Scroll down that entry and you'll know what I'm talking about.) This one was pretty "up there" as far as sick shit is concerned. Although it's nowhere near what Carly had experienced on the Skytrain, it's still an experience. So I'm on the MAX with Nikki. It's about 11:30PM. A girl stumbles onto the train, escorted (or carried) by a gentleman who was about my age. "It's her 21st birthday," he exclaims as he plops her down into a seat. She is virtually dead except for a little groan here and there. I believe I turned to Nikki at this point and said, "she's gonna puke here in 2 minutes." Scratch that shit, it wasn't 90 seconds later and she started to pull herself forward while drooling on her own leg. "Here we go," I said as I moved my feet as far away from this girl as possible, fearing my awesome white Nikes would be abused by a bile and alcohol mix that would overcome me and make me vomit in my mouth.

As the first shots of liquored-goodness came flowing out of her mouth and hit the ground, people started to disperse! Like a damn fire alarm went off! It was madness. I got up and moved toward the door, wanting to fling myself out rather than watch. I almost grabbed my phone to take a picture, but I felt that wouldn't be fair to the poor girl who wanted to pickle her liver on her first night as a legal drunk. I'll spare my loyal readers a description of the puddle this girl was leaving not only on the floor, but in her own shoes, on the guy's pants next to her, on her clothes, etc..

Our stop was next thank God, as the foul odor of vodka and God knows what was invading the other passengers airways. I jumped off the train as it stopped, gasping for fresh air and watching the disgusted faces of the passengers who weren't quite home yet. Then Nikki and I laughed. Then she said, "I think I saw a boot come out of her," (from the Wedding Singer) prompting me to burst into laughter.

It was sheer horror and comedy all rolled into one as another memorable moment on the MAX ended.

The image below made me laugh....plus he's wearing a Hartford Whalers shirt. Honoring the Whale the only way he knows how.