Holy Mother of Skin

Today's high temperature in Portland, Oregon reached 97 degrees. Now this is way too hot for most people in the Pacific Northwest. When it gets hot, people wear less clothing. I don't have a problem with people who want to walk around with no shirt who are physically fit. It's the manatees and sasquatchian that bother me.

Now I'm sure that this epidemic isn't a local or regional thing. It's a national debacle that terrorizes the normals. I understand that it's hot outside and the heat makes you uncomfortable. But, for the love of all that is sacred, put some damn clothes on when you go outside.

Many things go through my mind when I see an unattractive female with the sun shining where it doesn't want to. They include:

Nobody I know would eat that muffin.
When did you think that tattoo was a good idea?
OMFG!
Please let those bikini strings hold.
I didn't know Coleman made swimsuits.
That reminds me, I need to pick up some cottage cheese.
That's an odd shape for a belly button.
Is that the front of you?

And for the grosser, manlier sex:

Why would you buy a sweater with nipples on it?
You need a bra my good sir.
Hey, there's your ass crack...I was wondering what that looked like.
I didn't know you could sweat right there.
Are they having a casting call for a Harry and the Hendersons remake?

I know these people will always be gross and don't care what people think. I applaud them for their lack of self awareness. But that's as far as my praise of these people goes.

If you appetite will allow it, I encourage you to visit The People of Walmart. There is a gallery of these types of everyday people and some pretty funny commentary to go along with it.

Look Ma, No Hands!! (And Other Tales of Fashion)

I don't know what to say about the current Bluetooth fad other than it confuses and terrifies me. I encounter these people with Britney Spears head mics popping out of their ears on a daily basis. I know you should be hands free while you're driving your car, but why are you walking through the store or down the street talking into your Bluetooth? Everybody else thinks you are talking to yourself!

So this leads me to ask the question of when did it become popular to appear as if you are fuckin crazy?

I don't understand why people need to be hands free while walking down the street. What's the point? And half of the time, they are holding their phone in their hand while they use the bluetooth!! That is a contradiction unlike no other. That's like holding a spoon and eating your cereal by immersing your face in 2 percent and Count Chocula.

Another thing that people continue to wear when they don't need to is the bike helmet. Again, you look absolutely retarded. Do you really need to protect your skull while you pick out your Dannon Yogurt and Tide Detergent? When was the last time you almost hit your head while picking up Kid Cuisine for your children? You may know that Portland is one of the leading cities in the U.S. in bicycle tolerance, so there are plenty of opportunities (especially where I work) to see the people still wearing bike helmets and gloves into a building. You couldn't take 12 seconds to pop off your foam dome and mesh gloves? (This woman is showing you the international sign for douchebaggery.)

I was at the mall recently. I don't go often for the mere fact that teenagers give me a headache. I know that makes me sound old, but fuck off. What can I say, unnecessary noise and ugly people annoy me. Especially ugly, loud people who wear ridiculous things. I saw two teens wearing shutter shades. I turned to the teenager closest to me as he walked by and said, "You look dumb." Somebody needs to say something. And if super-creepy Joe Simpson wears them, then ew! Enough said.

Wow, you look retarded!

I'm not sure if anyone knows this, but I am no trendsetter or dictator of popular fashion...but there is one trend I may never understand. Maybe my 23 years have made me wiser and more mature. What's with the kiddie backpacks on teenagers? It is not cool to sport a Dora the Explorer or SpongeBob SquarePants backpack in high school. I don't care what you say, you look absolutely fucking dumb!


And to reiterate how retarded you are, your disregard for a common sensical dress code is a bad move because you sure as hell can't fit more than a day planner in those tiny satchels. Where are your notebooks and pens, your books and highlighters, your white-out and calculator? I'll tell you where they are...in a normal sized backpack!

I'm glad I could express my opinion on this matter, as it has bothered me for some time now.