Fuck you tomatoes! You've failed to ruin my sandwich as you will fail to ruin my Independence Day!

Why Old People Need to be Stopped

I realize it's been a month and a half since I last blogged. Let's be real here. I can't update things as often as I'd like because my brain doesn't cooperate with my free time so I'm just going to do some blogging here and there and just so you don't have to check back everyday for new mind-blowing commentary, I'll just update you through my stati (plural for status?) on Facebook (facebook.com/dexheimer), MySpace (myspace.com/southeastproduct) and Twitter (twitter.com/dex503). Now, on to developing news...

I was groggy in the breakroom at work. It was 5:45AM. Usually while I wait to give my life away, I watch the local news. They did a story on Buzz Aldrin burgeoning rap career. Yes, you read that correctly. Mr. Aldrin, the second man on the moon, the national hero, the 79 year old white guy, is rapping about his voyage to the moon. His single, Rocket Experience, is available on iTunes to download.

First off, I'd like to hack into iTunes to see how many people have purchased this gem. Secondly, why has this been allowed to happen? Who thought this would ever be a great idea? Ok, the answer to that second question is Snoop Dogg, Quincy Jones, Talib Kweli, etc. Ok, and the proceeds go to Aldrin's charity. Whatever. I have no problem with people doing charity work or being interested in space travel and NASA. I do have a problem with the way Buzz, who will be henceforth referred to in this blog by his rap pseudonym, Doc Rendezvous, goes about raising money. Hold a G-D golf tournament or something. Sell some memorabilia. Write a book for f's sake! You'd probably make more money by standing on a corner in Orlando selling prune juice to other elderly people.

Maybe it's just me, but when I see an old person trying to be cool or doing something that they shouldn't, I get embarrassed for them, and then I get mad at them for making me feel bad for them. A good example of this is when old people try to play sports or skateboard. This isn't just Doc Rendezvous either. Most old people do things like this.


Let's keep the elderly in their comfort zones people. Please, continue to watch Jeopardy, crap yourselves in public places, drive 31 mph on the Interstate, yell at the drive thru operator, wear shorts with black dress socks pulled to your knees, drive a Rascal 31 mph in public places, be confused by new technology, vote Republican, etc. There is no place for you in a rap studio surrounded by men half your age smoking weed and calling you Doc Rendezvous.

Just for humor's sake, please listen to the sample on iTunes by clicking here.

I almost want to buy it and listen to the whole thing. Maybe I'll blip it.

Look at this guy's bionic hand. Does it really belong on an aircraft? And why isn't the fuselage enclosed? I wish that when I spoke, the words would appear above me in Yao Ming-sized letters. I think that would scare a lot of people, especially the elderly.

Ahh-Choo! Now touch my face.

Universities are closing down, people are calling into work in epic numbers. So what's the deal with the swine flu? Why are we as a country so paranoid that every time a geezer sneezes, you have a 95% chance of contracting H1N1 or the swine flu as it's notoriously labeled. Almost everyone I've talked to in the past week has mentioned this "pandemic". I'd say half of them are worried they might contract it but let me hit you with some knowledge real quick (some factual knowledge, but mostly just my opinion). I'm going to try to neutralize the pandemonium from my little corner of the blogosphere.

In the 2008-09 flu season (1/6/08-1/3/09), the CDC (Center for Disease Control) had 1,173 positive tests for influenza. This is just samples that were tested. Many people get the seasonal flu and just puke their faces off in the privacy of their own homes. So you have to belive that there are thousands of unreported cases also. Currently, the swine flu has 160 cases nationwide in 2 weeks. I'm not impressed. The bird flu was much more impressive. It killed 60% of the people it infected. We still have a bird flu kit at work. It sits in the stockroom under the eyewash station that nobody uses. It's got mostly gloves and masks in it. Enough for about 50 people. Considering the fact that we have 350 employees, I'm not sure it would be too effective in a massive outbreak.

Telling people to wash their hands and to cover their mouths when they sneeze and cough is upsetting to me. This should be common knowledge! Why don't people know how to do this? If people did these things regularly, we'd all be fine. It wouldn't eliminate influenza completely, but it would cut down on it quite a bit. The CDC website also suggested that you "throw used tissues in the waste basket." Listen up handkerchief users (geezers)! Throw those snot rags out and grab a Kleenex.

So, to recap:

- Don't touch or lick a pig's face and/or lips.
- Don't eat raw pork.
- Wash your hands.
- Stay away from farmers.
- Never use a handkerchief.

The one thing I've noticed about face masks this week is that I don't call them face masks anymore. It's a weird reflex to call them SARS masks. Wheels mentioned something about a SARS Guard. That's a nice sounding term.

Hopefully, as this global disease runs its cycle, the media will stop feeding the masses bowls of worry with sidedishes of fear. Especially the elderly. C'mon, they believe nearly everything they see on TV. Finally, I'll end this post with a wish.

I wish I could laugh in the faces of everybody who has worn a face mask in public in the last two weeks. Except for people who really are sick, doctors and people who work in dusty environments.

ASP Updates!

21st century, here I am! I've reconfigured ASP to accommodate you, the viewer. There is less clutter and more interaction to feed your obsession with interactivity. You can keep abreast of my tweeting on the right, read the other blogs I've seen and look at all my social networking stables. As always, you can read previous bloggery by myself and think about ways you can influence me to write more.

Follow the links above to subscribe to the ASPRSS feed so you can be alerted immediately when new genius is published. I'll also be adding genius (textually and photoplasmically) via my mobile device. These additions will appear without headlines, as I cannot figure out how to do this on my phone.

Enjoy the new look!