Celebrity Obsession

Now I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not without an obsession and that whenever anything related to the Portland Trail Blazers becomes newsworthy, I know about it within an hour after press time. Sports has always been a huge part of my life. I understand sports. There's a winner, a loser, and things are usually resolved within two hours. I cannot say the same for Hollywood.

Why are people like my wife so obsessed with where Lindsay Lohan ate lunch? Why does she care if Gisele made Tom carry her purse outside of a restaurant? Seal beat up a paparazzi? I don't give a shit. Tom and Katie took Suri to the park? I took my dog to the park! Why are we so infatuated with celebrities lives? I understand if they got a DUI or killed someone or donated sperm, that's probably newsworthy stuff. But I don't give a damn if they are doing everyday errands.

The shows like TMZ drive me crazy. It's a room filled with a bunch of "reporters" telling that guy from The People's Court what they saw in Hollywood.

Dumb-Ass Reporter: "We got Shelley Long outside of the Ritz Carlton and she's walking to her car!"

Harvey Levin: "Really!?"

D.A.R.: "Yeah, she's wearing a yellow cardigan and it's absolutely fabulous!"

H.L.: "Was it cold outside or something?"

D.A.R.: "It was a little balmy for November I'm not going to lie. It made me wonder why she would wear a cardigan in such fantastic weather."

H.L.: "Yeah, I wonder if she watches the weather forecast."

(At this point, the whole room of reporters bursts into laughter because that was obviously funny)

Now I made that up, but it's not far from the truth. They once did a "story" on Nancy Reagan. She walked from a restaurant to her car and they all commented on how good she looked for being like 204 years old. WHO GIVES A SHIT?!? They do about 20 of these things in a half an hour.

I also dig the magazines like People that have a two page spread dedicated to celebrities who do stuff like regular people do. They buy Charmin! They pump their own gas! They stand in line! Big fuckin' deal! Why do I care that Hugh Jackman likes Quilted Northern?

Finally, the Internet is one of the worst mediums for reporting celebrity nonsense. My wife checks Perez Hilton probably more than I check ESPN for scores. It's a little more newsworthy than TMZ but almost as annoying. He'll post stories that are mostly news releases and stories nobody cares about. But the most annoying thing about this fairy is that he uses Microsoft Paint to draw everything from dicks to cumshots on every celebrity's face. Sometimes he'll switch it up and draw little dots under their noses to indicate they have a crack problem. Is this where journalism has fallen to? Not only do I not care about the stories you tell, now I've got someone with the artistic ability of a four year old ruining a perfectly good picture of Megan Fox by drawing a dick on it? This guy needs to be hit in the face. Here's an example of his handywork on Vanessa Hudgens. See not only does she have no pigment in her eyes, she has man chowder on her face and she's squirting all over the ground!! Look how clever!

If only torture were legal...

Was that Jennifer Tilly?

A common practice throughout most of my life has been to leave the TV on while sleeping. The reasons for this are two-fold. One, I like watching TV in bed. And two, I like sleeping in bed. So what happens when these two...folds come together? That's right, TV on while sleeping.

This phenonmena happened again this past weekday evening when I gagged myself awake (I've been throwing up in my mouth lately and it tends to happen only in my sleep) and tried not to spew a biley mess (no relation to Miley Cyrus) all over the bed or wall. After choking for a bit, I noticed that the ever-popular Poker After Dark was on NBC. First of all, it sounds like a low-budget porn title featuring an all African-American cast. Secondly, why would anyone want to watch poker on television? I figured that most people see poker as a great game to play, and boring to watch. Maybe that's why it's on at 2:30AM.

Anyway, let's get to the subject of the post. I noticed that Jennifer Tilly was on the show playing not as the celebrity guest, but as an actual professional poker player. I guess it doesn't take much to be considered a professional. I think it may now just be a declaration. I took "professional poker player" to be a college-dropout who lives in mom's basement and spends his free time masturbating to broadband speed porn. You know Jennifer from such films as Liar, Liar, Bride of Chucky and the voice of Joe Swanson's wife, Bonnie on Family Guy. She got into poker because she is dating another professional poker player (and former broadband porn spanker) Phil Laak. Never heard of him? Yeah, I guess poker players aren't in it for the fame.

Of course Ms. Tilly had her huge boobs hanging out of a dress and was the only female player at the table. It took me awhile to figure out it was her because she was using a voice I had never heard before. It sounded normal! It wasn't a Fran Drescher, Roseanne hybrid mutant voice. It was refreshing. The refreshment I felt soon turned to irritation because I spent the rest of the episode not only counting the number of times the guy next to her was checking out her rack (14), but why on Earth she would use that annoying voice as an actress? The best answer I could come up with is that she isn't a talented actress and needed something that would distinguish her from other no-talent-big-breasted actresses. So she took the annoying voice route. Over the years, she's offered her voice for a number of roles and you can always tell it is her. I just thought that it was her normal voice. I guess I should pay more attention.

I've run out of things to say about this. I realize this may not be important to you, but it's kind of like finding out your dad was never really your dad. He just stayed at the house to fix the car and grumble about the coloreds (for my Canadian viewership that's going to be "coloureds"). Yeah, my dad was born in the 30's. Before people trusted African Americans to piss and shit in the same area as the white folk. Yep, now I've totally lost my train of thought. What was this entry about?

Seriously, you couldn't let the black people wait with you?

Volume 5.0 Prologue

I have returned again to entertain the few people who enjoy my writing. I realize that after I announced my last return, I entered about 3 or 4 posts and quit again so I cannot make anymore promises. I will take it one day at a time and try to find time to sit down every couple of days to write.

The topics will be less sports-related and more about current events and things that tend to piss me off from day to day. After all, those posts seem to generate the most feedback and "lmfao's". I've been brainstorming for about a day and come up with some topics to write about this first week. Hopefully I can find the time to write it all out while I care for my pregnant wife who can't seem to stay healthy for longer than two consecutive days. She is my biggest fan when it comes to this blog thing, so we'll see.

Finally, I'd like to thank the academy and everyone else who reads this. Hopefully my audience grows a little more this time so I can have more than three people yelling at me to enter a new post. Sometimes I like to entertain people with my absurd tales of public transportation drunkardry (yep, that's a made up word) and the elderly losing the ability to control their bladders, dentures, and hatred for new technologies. So tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell that guy who carries around the fake baby...

ASP is back.

Look Ma, No Hands!! (And Other Tales of Fashion)

I don't know what to say about the current Bluetooth fad other than it confuses and terrifies me. I encounter these people with Britney Spears head mics popping out of their ears on a daily basis. I know you should be hands free while you're driving your car, but why are you walking through the store or down the street talking into your Bluetooth? Everybody else thinks you are talking to yourself!

So this leads me to ask the question of when did it become popular to appear as if you are fuckin crazy?

I don't understand why people need to be hands free while walking down the street. What's the point? And half of the time, they are holding their phone in their hand while they use the bluetooth!! That is a contradiction unlike no other. That's like holding a spoon and eating your cereal by immersing your face in 2 percent and Count Chocula.

Another thing that people continue to wear when they don't need to is the bike helmet. Again, you look absolutely retarded. Do you really need to protect your skull while you pick out your Dannon Yogurt and Tide Detergent? When was the last time you almost hit your head while picking up Kid Cuisine for your children? You may know that Portland is one of the leading cities in the U.S. in bicycle tolerance, so there are plenty of opportunities (especially where I work) to see the people still wearing bike helmets and gloves into a building. You couldn't take 12 seconds to pop off your foam dome and mesh gloves? (This woman is showing you the international sign for douchebaggery.)

I was at the mall recently. I don't go often for the mere fact that teenagers give me a headache. I know that makes me sound old, but fuck off. What can I say, unnecessary noise and ugly people annoy me. Especially ugly, loud people who wear ridiculous things. I saw two teens wearing shutter shades. I turned to the teenager closest to me as he walked by and said, "You look dumb." Somebody needs to say something. And if super-creepy Joe Simpson wears them, then ew! Enough said.

Hoopless in Seattle

After 40-odd years in the Emerald City, the Supersonics are gone. As a (diehard) Blazer fan, I'm undecided on how I feel about the whole thing. Part of me will miss the rivalry between Seattle and Portland. The other part of me says, "Suck on that, Sea-Tac!!"

I'd say things aren't really going well for the city. First, Boeing leaves town, then Starbucks announces they will close 600 shops, now the Sonics are the property of OKC.

I'm sure I'd be absolutely devastated if the Blazers left to play in Branson, Missouri, but now the Blazers are the only NBA team around until Sacramento and Utah. We own this corner of the U.S. now. Whether we'll inherit fans from Seattle is of no concern to me. They don't seem all that intelligent in the first place. Why support building new stadiums for the Seahawks and Mariners and not the Sonics? It's obvious that the fans didn't give a damn until it was too late and Uncle Clay had the moving vans all but loaded. They waited too long and now they'll be stuck watching the worst team in the MLB and the Seahawks.

Farewell Supes!