It's (gonna be) A Boy!

December 24th, 2008:

I've gotten some things together to take over to the in-laws house for our annual Christmas gathering. I can't remember exactly what she asked for, but it was something like shoes, pants, and a pregnancy test. We had one at the house for just such an occasion. Ever since she asked for it, it had weighed on my mind heavily. The thoughts were there. I was having thoughts any guy would have. Could I be a Dad? Am I ready? What will it look like? What's the score of the game? I wouldn't say that I was too worried about it though. I was calm, my palms were relatively dry, I didn't feel like throwing up.

I got to the in-laws and almost immediately tried to free Cari from the snow drift that had enveloped her vehicle. We both dug for about 45 minutes around the perimeter of the car until she could get into the damn thing. Then we got it defrosted and eventually got a path dug so she could back out of the driveway. Chains were applied and last minute Christmas shopping was underway.

Nikki didn't arrive until sometime later that afternoon. We greeted each other with a kiss (as always) and I handed her the bag with a change of clothes in it? I put a question mark because I'm still not sure what else was in that bag. I know there was cloth in it. She went into the bathroom to change...I think...and to take the test. I sat in the living room just waiting for her to finish. Then I get a text message that reads something like, "Come here." I knew what it meant. I wouldn't have gotten a text if it was negative. She would have come out of the bathroom and shook her head at me and we would have continued on like nothing had happened.

I took the long walk to the bathroom and knocked. "Yeah." I entered to see my beautiful wife with a look on her face I had never seen before. It probably started with a smile, but had turned into something else. She was still semi-smiling, but her eyes were welling up and she looked scared, like she was wondering how I was going to react. We won't get into why that is, but she showed me the stick and after not reading the instructions, I knew what it meant, but I didn't have all the symbols and their meanings memorized. (I don't think they make flash cards for that type of thing. Why don't all those pregancy test manufacturers stick with two symbols or colors and call it good?) I pulled her in close and gave her a hug and a kiss and reassured her that I was ecstatic about the news and that we were going to be ok.

Nikki then told me to get a small box because she was going to wrap the test up and give it to her mom for Christmas. The first thing I thought was...ICK! She said that she had logged many hours watching America's Funniest Videos and that people did this all the time and filmed the receipient's reaction. (We didn't have a camera, but we should have.)

After all the presents were handed out and opened, Nikki went and got the big gift. She put it in a small box that was the previous home to some tea bags and she wrapped it in a lot of tissue paper. It took her Mom (and partially Dad...he was pawing at it when Shellie would pause to talk) a while to get it open and when she finally did, her words were, "Why did you give me a pregnancy test?" Then you could see the hamster stand up, stretch, and hop on the wheel and start sprinting cause Shellie just screamed and cried (tears of joy) and jumped off the couch (nearly toppling Ben) on her way to hug Nikki. It was one of the funniest reactions ever......

December 25th, 2008:

Christmas Day was here and we needed to get my Mom a gift so we could get funny reaction #2. So what's open on Christmas Day besides the movie theatre you may ask? Walgreens! We headed up to the neighborhood Wal to pick out a baby's bib or shirt that mentioned a Grandma or some other relative, but we were unable to find one. We finally settled on a pacifier and put it in the tiniest gift bag you ever saw. We headed up to my sister's house on Dick Drive, but due to the snow and ice, couldn't make it up the hill. We parked at the base and summoned brother in law Derek to shuttle us up to the festivities. We were late (as always) and the presents were almost all opened. We sat down and greeted people as we opened our gifts. Finally it was time to give Mom the gift we had just picked out. I handed her the bag and she started to open it. Just then, Amy said, "Oh here's another gift from me to you, Mom." Shit! Our gift was supposed to be the last one because you can't really follow our gift with any gift besides a new house or a cruise or a lot of money. Since I knew Amy wouldn't give our Mom any of those things (and the box was about the size of a toaster) her gift was going to suck compared to ours.

So my Mom opens it and holds the pacifier and starts laughing. I look at Amy and Kim and their jaws were on the floor. My Mom didn't get it. She was all like, "What?" She even looked in the bag to see if anything was missing. She looked at Amy who finally said, "Nikki's pregnant!" "Oh!"......my Mom had just figured it out. Then, since nobody was really paying attention on the other side of the room, other people started asking what had happened because my sisters couldn't believe my Mom's lacking detective skills. Then everybody got the news and Christmas continued. (By the way, Amy got my Mom a Tupperware set or something)

January 19th, 2009: (8 weeks)

Our first appointment with the OB/GYN had arrived and we were both excited. Nikki was less excited about all the tests they were going to do, but it's all standard procedure to make sure that the baby and the Mom are healthy. I sat and watched Nikki get a battery of tests done and then it was time for our first ultrasound to make sure everything was in order and to find out (officially) how far along the pregnancy was.

When the image of the peanut popped onto the screen we were excited. I don't think Nikki saw it. I'm having a hard time remembering. Her head was at a funky angle and I think she played along with it. No wait, she couldn't see the heartbeat. It looked like a tiny flashing bolt of lightning flickering in there. At only 8 weeks, the baby was the size of a peanut, so we couldn't tell anything besides the fact that it was there and it's heart was beating at 155bpm.

April 13th, 2009: (20 weeks)

It's the milestone a lot of expecting parents look forward to. You are halfway through the pregnancy and can usually expect to find out what sex the baby is. Why do people like to make the baby's gender a guessing game? We have the technology and dexterity to find this information and people ignore it! Then your baby ends up with neutral tones all over their clothing and nursery. Just find out what it is because that's the first question people are going to ask you.

Would it be Hayden Thomas or Addison Marie we asked ourselves?

We woke up early because the appointment for the ultrasound was at 7:30AM. Nikki had to drink 32 ounces of water for the ultrasound so that her bladder was nice and full for when they start ramming the image stick into her belly. After a short internal debate, she peed once right after starting to drink the water to give her bladder a break.

We arrived at for the appointment early and waited inside the car in the parking lot. We were waiting for Nikki's Mom to arrive (also notoriously late) and didn't want to seem too eager to get inside (plus it was pretty cold out). We finally went inside and checked in with the secretary/administrative assistant. We sat down and I read an old copy of Time while Nikki texted her Mom. We were called in shortly after and Nikki hopped on the bed and assumed the position. Suzette, the ultrasound tech was an intern and was not as experienced. She explained what she was going to do and that a more experienced technician would tell us the sex of the baby. After taking a bunch of photos and measuring every measurable part of the kid, she left to summon the other lady. Not important what her name was, but she came in and rammed the image stick into Nikki even harder (I'm surprised Nikki didn't pee all over the place) to get the final images taken and to solve the gender mystery.

When it was finally time to look for the mystery part(s), the tech moved the wand down towards baby's legs (which were clearly visible) and I yelled out, "That's a penis!" Everybody laughed, but I was right. I jumped out of my chair and gave a hearty cheer. I gave her Mom (who arrived shortly after we were called in) a high five. Nikki looked a little disappointed because she wanted a girl. Every time we look at baby girl clothes and she sees the ruffly-butt panties she goes, "Ohhhh!," and gets that face that says "I want a girl!" The tech had to be all "medically correct" and say that it wasn't 100% that it was a boy and that some parts moved during pregnancy, but I know a penis when I see one (that sounded awful) and that was a penis! Nikki was allowed to pee and we left. As we were leaving, Nikki said something like, "The next one better be a girl."


April 19th, 2009:

So it's going to be a boy and I couldn't be more excited. We're going to start painting the nursery soon and we already have an outfit for him. He won't be able to wear it for awhile, but it's a Michael Jordan onesie with black socks and hat that have the Air Jordan symbol on them.

I'm carrying on the Dexheimer name. Every time we've seen a new ultrasound, it gets a little more real. We're both excited to meet our newest family member. Hopefully, he'll grow up to be a respectable guy who is smart, responsible, strong and kind. Most of all, I just hope that he's healthy and I can raise him the right way and lead him on a path to a successful life. I know he's going to make his own decisions, but I want to educate him and teach him everything I've learned so that he'll be prepared for anything he'll encounter. I'm not looking to become the world's greatest Dad, but hopefully, he'll see me as that.

Celebrity Obsession

Now I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not without an obsession and that whenever anything related to the Portland Trail Blazers becomes newsworthy, I know about it within an hour after press time. Sports has always been a huge part of my life. I understand sports. There's a winner, a loser, and things are usually resolved within two hours. I cannot say the same for Hollywood.

Why are people like my wife so obsessed with where Lindsay Lohan ate lunch? Why does she care if Gisele made Tom carry her purse outside of a restaurant? Seal beat up a paparazzi? I don't give a shit. Tom and Katie took Suri to the park? I took my dog to the park! Why are we so infatuated with celebrities lives? I understand if they got a DUI or killed someone or donated sperm, that's probably newsworthy stuff. But I don't give a damn if they are doing everyday errands.

The shows like TMZ drive me crazy. It's a room filled with a bunch of "reporters" telling that guy from The People's Court what they saw in Hollywood.

Dumb-Ass Reporter: "We got Shelley Long outside of the Ritz Carlton and she's walking to her car!"

Harvey Levin: "Really!?"

D.A.R.: "Yeah, she's wearing a yellow cardigan and it's absolutely fabulous!"

H.L.: "Was it cold outside or something?"

D.A.R.: "It was a little balmy for November I'm not going to lie. It made me wonder why she would wear a cardigan in such fantastic weather."

H.L.: "Yeah, I wonder if she watches the weather forecast."

(At this point, the whole room of reporters bursts into laughter because that was obviously funny)

Now I made that up, but it's not far from the truth. They once did a "story" on Nancy Reagan. She walked from a restaurant to her car and they all commented on how good she looked for being like 204 years old. WHO GIVES A SHIT?!? They do about 20 of these things in a half an hour.

I also dig the magazines like People that have a two page spread dedicated to celebrities who do stuff like regular people do. They buy Charmin! They pump their own gas! They stand in line! Big fuckin' deal! Why do I care that Hugh Jackman likes Quilted Northern?

Finally, the Internet is one of the worst mediums for reporting celebrity nonsense. My wife checks Perez Hilton probably more than I check ESPN for scores. It's a little more newsworthy than TMZ but almost as annoying. He'll post stories that are mostly news releases and stories nobody cares about. But the most annoying thing about this fairy is that he uses Microsoft Paint to draw everything from dicks to cumshots on every celebrity's face. Sometimes he'll switch it up and draw little dots under their noses to indicate they have a crack problem. Is this where journalism has fallen to? Not only do I not care about the stories you tell, now I've got someone with the artistic ability of a four year old ruining a perfectly good picture of Megan Fox by drawing a dick on it? This guy needs to be hit in the face. Here's an example of his handywork on Vanessa Hudgens. See not only does she have no pigment in her eyes, she has man chowder on her face and she's squirting all over the ground!! Look how clever!

If only torture were legal...

Was that Jennifer Tilly?

A common practice throughout most of my life has been to leave the TV on while sleeping. The reasons for this are two-fold. One, I like watching TV in bed. And two, I like sleeping in bed. So what happens when these two...folds come together? That's right, TV on while sleeping.

This phenonmena happened again this past weekday evening when I gagged myself awake (I've been throwing up in my mouth lately and it tends to happen only in my sleep) and tried not to spew a biley mess (no relation to Miley Cyrus) all over the bed or wall. After choking for a bit, I noticed that the ever-popular Poker After Dark was on NBC. First of all, it sounds like a low-budget porn title featuring an all African-American cast. Secondly, why would anyone want to watch poker on television? I figured that most people see poker as a great game to play, and boring to watch. Maybe that's why it's on at 2:30AM.

Anyway, let's get to the subject of the post. I noticed that Jennifer Tilly was on the show playing not as the celebrity guest, but as an actual professional poker player. I guess it doesn't take much to be considered a professional. I think it may now just be a declaration. I took "professional poker player" to be a college-dropout who lives in mom's basement and spends his free time masturbating to broadband speed porn. You know Jennifer from such films as Liar, Liar, Bride of Chucky and the voice of Joe Swanson's wife, Bonnie on Family Guy. She got into poker because she is dating another professional poker player (and former broadband porn spanker) Phil Laak. Never heard of him? Yeah, I guess poker players aren't in it for the fame.

Of course Ms. Tilly had her huge boobs hanging out of a dress and was the only female player at the table. It took me awhile to figure out it was her because she was using a voice I had never heard before. It sounded normal! It wasn't a Fran Drescher, Roseanne hybrid mutant voice. It was refreshing. The refreshment I felt soon turned to irritation because I spent the rest of the episode not only counting the number of times the guy next to her was checking out her rack (14), but why on Earth she would use that annoying voice as an actress? The best answer I could come up with is that she isn't a talented actress and needed something that would distinguish her from other no-talent-big-breasted actresses. So she took the annoying voice route. Over the years, she's offered her voice for a number of roles and you can always tell it is her. I just thought that it was her normal voice. I guess I should pay more attention.

I've run out of things to say about this. I realize this may not be important to you, but it's kind of like finding out your dad was never really your dad. He just stayed at the house to fix the car and grumble about the coloreds (for my Canadian viewership that's going to be "coloureds"). Yeah, my dad was born in the 30's. Before people trusted African Americans to piss and shit in the same area as the white folk. Yep, now I've totally lost my train of thought. What was this entry about?

Seriously, you couldn't let the black people wait with you?

Volume 5.0 Prologue

I have returned again to entertain the few people who enjoy my writing. I realize that after I announced my last return, I entered about 3 or 4 posts and quit again so I cannot make anymore promises. I will take it one day at a time and try to find time to sit down every couple of days to write.

The topics will be less sports-related and more about current events and things that tend to piss me off from day to day. After all, those posts seem to generate the most feedback and "lmfao's". I've been brainstorming for about a day and come up with some topics to write about this first week. Hopefully I can find the time to write it all out while I care for my pregnant wife who can't seem to stay healthy for longer than two consecutive days. She is my biggest fan when it comes to this blog thing, so we'll see.

Finally, I'd like to thank the academy and everyone else who reads this. Hopefully my audience grows a little more this time so I can have more than three people yelling at me to enter a new post. Sometimes I like to entertain people with my absurd tales of public transportation drunkardry (yep, that's a made up word) and the elderly losing the ability to control their bladders, dentures, and hatred for new technologies. So tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell that guy who carries around the fake baby...

ASP is back.

Look Ma, No Hands!! (And Other Tales of Fashion)

I don't know what to say about the current Bluetooth fad other than it confuses and terrifies me. I encounter these people with Britney Spears head mics popping out of their ears on a daily basis. I know you should be hands free while you're driving your car, but why are you walking through the store or down the street talking into your Bluetooth? Everybody else thinks you are talking to yourself!

So this leads me to ask the question of when did it become popular to appear as if you are fuckin crazy?

I don't understand why people need to be hands free while walking down the street. What's the point? And half of the time, they are holding their phone in their hand while they use the bluetooth!! That is a contradiction unlike no other. That's like holding a spoon and eating your cereal by immersing your face in 2 percent and Count Chocula.

Another thing that people continue to wear when they don't need to is the bike helmet. Again, you look absolutely retarded. Do you really need to protect your skull while you pick out your Dannon Yogurt and Tide Detergent? When was the last time you almost hit your head while picking up Kid Cuisine for your children? You may know that Portland is one of the leading cities in the U.S. in bicycle tolerance, so there are plenty of opportunities (especially where I work) to see the people still wearing bike helmets and gloves into a building. You couldn't take 12 seconds to pop off your foam dome and mesh gloves? (This woman is showing you the international sign for douchebaggery.)

I was at the mall recently. I don't go often for the mere fact that teenagers give me a headache. I know that makes me sound old, but fuck off. What can I say, unnecessary noise and ugly people annoy me. Especially ugly, loud people who wear ridiculous things. I saw two teens wearing shutter shades. I turned to the teenager closest to me as he walked by and said, "You look dumb." Somebody needs to say something. And if super-creepy Joe Simpson wears them, then ew! Enough said.